So, today...I had the best Valentines Day in history of Selina...seriously

Today at work EVERYONE in my office got flowers delivered from their bf/husband. I won't lie...I felt a little disappointed, but I hid it well. Until of course the end of the work day. My baby went up to the top of St. Thomas' peak and picked me the most beautiful wild hibiscus in exsistance. When he picked me up from work, he put it in my hair. I don't know about you, but that doesn't even compare to store bought flowers. I am the happiest woman on earth right now.

Since Che has gotten the help he needed, he's been the sweetest man on earth. I have fallen so deeply in love with him all over again. He touches me and I get all tingly, and I catch him just staring into my eyes....I feel like I'm 15 again. I love him so much.

So yes, I know I don't make any big, obnoxious gestures of "OMG I'M LONELY" But seriously....aren't the people you're really close to supposed to see your really hurting. I know I do when a someone just doesn't seem right. Things always end this way. I guess I'm just one of those people who are really easy to ignore. Fair enough. But in the furture when you need a shoulder to cry on, stay the fuck away from me. I actaully reached out to someone and had them basically say I wasn't important enough at the time. Is that better than the hand full of others that out and out ignore me...maybe...maybe not...

So yeah, I'm in a really ugly mood right now. I'm am so over fucking 'friends'. I'm so sick of being led on, and I'm so sick of giving my all to people and ending up with a broken heart...

I can't help but feel really let down these last few months. I can't keep any kind of relationship going. (with the exception of my marrige, which is really blossoming lately.) It really can't be ALL the people I know...so I really think I has to be me. As lonely as it is, I can't say that I'm really reaching out. Actaully I've been doing the opposite. I can't bring myself to have a meaningful conversation with anyone, even people I would really love to talk to. 

Lonely as that might seem, I've been feeling really serene and calm about it all. May I just need to be away from people for a while. THe only people I really spend any kind of time with are Che and our buddy (who will remain nameless)

I don't know....just feel off...like something is coming :\

It started with Che and I buying a new home, and someone was trying to break in the house. He was drunk and needed money. We tried nagotiating with him, but eventually he pulled a gun. I tricked him away from it and got it in my own hands, but he pulled out another one so I shot him. But it didnt even seem to  bother him. He started crying and told us he needed money for hospital troubles. He gave him like $700 and he was on his way.

After that Che and I decided we can't stay in that house, so we bought a really swankie condo in some community with a weird heirarchy. Me and Che didn't really play by their rules, and became really high on the heirarchy.

At some point, he and I dressed up as Leonidas and his wife (from 300) and had sex in common room of the communities  main building. I have to say....it was the best I've ever had. Slow and tender <3 *clears throat*

I dreamed Che and I were parked out on the side of some country road. Fields of wild flowers were the only thing seen for miles...as far as the eye could see. I was uncharacteristicly dressed in a white and yellow sun dress, my hair down, curled and pulled back behind a hair band. I have a tiger lily in my hair and looked (I'd say) rather cute. I was outside the car leaning against the door, looking at to the field where Che was walking back to the car. The whole dream was a bit hazy, and in slow motion. It had no sound either. Che had a fist full of wildflowers he had picked for me in his hand. When he reached the car and handed them to me, instead of taking them, I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and kiss him passionately. We remain there kissing until I eventually wake up.

I don't remember this dream as vividly as I normally do. I can remember small bits though.

I was in some kind of school for travelers. I was just finishing up and getting ready to head out. I found myself in a group of about 5 memebers. One of which was a very friendly talking zebra. She was my closest friend in the bunch. The other member I got really close to was unnaturally large man. The only two 'scenes' I remember was having sex with large man. I remember enjoying it but because of his size it was a little akward size wise (lol too big!) and when we were packing up to leave a beautiful valley we camped in.

What I remember from this dream is that it really disturbed me. It was about my grandmother, who died about 3 years ago. From the point I start remembering I'm in her kitchen. Now, but grandmother was a sharp tongued, fiesty woman with a heart of gold. I loved her like most people love their mother. She was my mother for the most part growing up. But the woman in my dream was not like her at all. I looked like her, but she was completely life less. She had no spunk and waked around as if she didn't know what was going on around her.

As I watch this being in my beloved grandmothers body walk to the front door I thought to myself  "But wait...grandma died 3 years ago" My family (My mother and aunt) were all a twitter around her. Asking questions and moving at a busy body pace (not normal for them) They were helping her get her jacket and shoes on. I was cleaning up in the kitchen. Even in her normal state my grandma needed help around the house with scrubbing floors and things like that. I spent what seemed like hours pondering over why my dead grandma was seemingly alive again, and why my family didn't seem to think this was a miss.

My thoughts were ended abruptly when I hear my mother screaming from outside in my grandmothers driveway. I rushed out the door to see my grandmothers body in large bloody pieces in the driveway, and my mother yelling at my aunt about whos going to clean up the mess. All I can do is stare. I've never seen my mother and aunt argue in RL, and seeing my grandmother is such a state made me feel sick. I broke down in the grass there infront of the driveway and woke up sobbing.
 

So last night I had a relatively tame dream, but pulled the emotional strings just the same. I was at work at my desk just like any normal day. The only thing different was that [current love interest] was here keeping my company. I was doing paper work, and lightly chatting with them. But then I get a call from downstairs saying I have a visitor. I go downstairs to find [old love interest]. Someone I damn near erased from my life. She has a way of popping up in my dreams from time to time. It was odd, but I had an overwhelming feeling that I really needed to go back upstairs by [current love interest]. It felt good to talk to [old lover interest] but it didn't feel comfortable anymore. Like....'yeah its nice to chat with you but I have to get back to my current life now'.

I think this was a great message my subconscious was trying to send me. My mother had received a phone call from [old love interest]'s mother not to long ago. Now...when the mother surfaces, the daughter isn't too far behind. I had been battling myself on whether or not I should meet up with her, or to just avoid her. I think I'll do neither, what happens happens. Whatever happens I still have those that love me NOW.

So lately I've been having dreams, which is odd because I'm simply not used to them anymore. I used to be plagued by nightmares a few years ago and (unfortunately) through a mixture of alcohol and sleeping pills succeeded in stopping them. Not a smart move on my part, but I'm working to fix it.

Those close to me know I have been working to find my own spiritual path. I've been reading and studying like I never have before. I was starting to get frustrated, because no matter how much I study and read I never seem to make any progress, I just can't seem to connect to things the way I used to. Fortunately, in one of my newer books, I stumbled upon a very simple way of unconsciously prompting myself to dream and to remember said dream. Since starting this little 'ritual' I have had dreams every night. I can only remember bits and pieces, but at least its a start.

It feels really good, something I have been missing for years. I'll be making an entry for each of my dreams starting today. My mind simply isn't clear enough to have a strong memory of my dreams yet. Writing them down here should help with that.